Sunday, February 27
>
Somebody noticed that if i were in a relationship, i would be the girl that says 'yes' and 'ok' most the times to the guy.
Most people would think im just the opposite.
What do you think?
Somebody noticed that if i were in a relationship, i would be the girl that says 'yes' and 'ok' most the times to the guy.
Most people would think im just the opposite.
What do you think?
sealed-with-a-kiss < 1:44:00 pm
___________________________________________
Monday, February 14
> I've got flowers but no valentine
The east line train back home during the after office hours today was so much more empty compared to the usual Mondays. Of course, not many would go home or head east this early on Valentine's Mon-day.
And that's a good relief, for i was so worried my bouquet of lilies would get crushed by the smelly bodies
It was such a lovely surprise, for i'm really not expecting it. My heart skipped so fast the moment i hung up the phone on my extension from the mail room informing me that i have a bouquet of flowers to be picked up. My mind was filled with question marks thinking hard who would have bought me flowers. I was still thinking if the mail room guy dialled the wrong extension and how embarrassing it would cause if they werent actually meant for me. (",)
When i saw the bouquet of lilies being brought out from the mail room, i wondered even more. Who would have known they were my favourite, and to the office. Until i read the card, i couldnt help but to keep smiling and thinking how silly this guy was. This surprise really caught me, and i didnt know how i should react to it.
I've never directly told him i love lilies, couldnt even remember if i even briefly mentioned and how did he even know my office address! Of course, google is a powerful tool, but the effort to even google it.... touched.
This may not be my first bouquet of lilies received, but definitely the first bouquet of flowers received on V'day!
To be honest, i have not celebrated V'day for a decade now. Its exactly 10 years since i last celebrated V'day.
I remembered 10 years ago when i was 14, SC and i were dating during this period. He played truant and met me after school. I bought him a bracelet and he got me a wallet and we went Bugis to walk around, took neoprints and... basically that's about it.
That was the last time i spent V'day with a guy i was in love with and ever since then, i hung out with my godbro on this day for about 2 years (i think) before i promised myself never to hang out on this day unless its with someone i love.
I remembered couple of years back in poly days, R asked me out on V'day and he merely mentioned "lets go catch this movie next Monday". Without knowing it was V'day i agreed. When the day got closer, i realised it was V'day and i immediately made up some excuses to postpone it. I think i was interested in him then, but V'day to me is not any ordinary day, and i should only spend it with someone im in love with. The movie date between me and R never happened. Guys, tsk. They give up this easily! No sincerity!
Time flies... 10 years have passed. Gosh, im so getting old.
When Jay and i were still together, i knew he would be busy on V'day to accompany me. It was our monthsary too, and in to prevent myself from being lonely, i flew to Perth on purpose to avoid staying in Sgp and get myself all emotional. We had a small arguement few nights before i was supposed to leave, only to know after i return a week later that he was free on V'day all along. What a waste, guess it was all fated, we were never meant to be valentines.
This year, i am home, all alone, with my dog. I cooked instant noodles with scallop and crab sticks for dinner and spent the night in front of the tv and computer. Not that im complaining, because... i have a bouquet of my favourite flowers staring back at me. =))))
Hope you, my readers (if there is even any left) had a great V'day!
The east line train back home during the after office hours today was so much more empty compared to the usual Mondays. Of course, not many would go home or head east this early on Valentine's Mon-day.
And that's a good relief, for i was so worried my bouquet of lilies would get crushed by the smelly bodies
It was such a lovely surprise, for i'm really not expecting it. My heart skipped so fast the moment i hung up the phone on my extension from the mail room informing me that i have a bouquet of flowers to be picked up. My mind was filled with question marks thinking hard who would have bought me flowers. I was still thinking if the mail room guy dialled the wrong extension and how embarrassing it would cause if they werent actually meant for me. (",)
When i saw the bouquet of lilies being brought out from the mail room, i wondered even more. Who would have known they were my favourite, and to the office. Until i read the card, i couldnt help but to keep smiling and thinking how silly this guy was. This surprise really caught me, and i didnt know how i should react to it.
I've never directly told him i love lilies, couldnt even remember if i even briefly mentioned and how did he even know my office address! Of course, google is a powerful tool, but the effort to even google it.... touched.
This may not be my first bouquet of lilies received, but definitely the first bouquet of flowers received on V'day!
To be honest, i have not celebrated V'day for a decade now. Its exactly 10 years since i last celebrated V'day.
I remembered 10 years ago when i was 14, SC and i were dating during this period. He played truant and met me after school. I bought him a bracelet and he got me a wallet and we went Bugis to walk around, took neoprints and... basically that's about it.
That was the last time i spent V'day with a guy i was in love with and ever since then, i hung out with my godbro on this day for about 2 years (i think) before i promised myself never to hang out on this day unless its with someone i love.
I remembered couple of years back in poly days, R asked me out on V'day and he merely mentioned "lets go catch this movie next Monday". Without knowing it was V'day i agreed. When the day got closer, i realised it was V'day and i immediately made up some excuses to postpone it. I think i was interested in him then, but V'day to me is not any ordinary day, and i should only spend it with someone im in love with. The movie date between me and R never happened. Guys, tsk. They give up this easily! No sincerity!
Time flies... 10 years have passed. Gosh, im so getting old.
When Jay and i were still together, i knew he would be busy on V'day to accompany me. It was our monthsary too, and in to prevent myself from being lonely, i flew to Perth on purpose to avoid staying in Sgp and get myself all emotional. We had a small arguement few nights before i was supposed to leave, only to know after i return a week later that he was free on V'day all along. What a waste, guess it was all fated, we were never meant to be valentines.
This year, i am home, all alone, with my dog. I cooked instant noodles with scallop and crab sticks for dinner and spent the night in front of the tv and computer. Not that im complaining, because... i have a bouquet of my favourite flowers staring back at me. =))))
Hope you, my readers (if there is even any left) had a great V'day!
sealed-with-a-kiss < 9:43:00 pm
___________________________________________
Saturday, February 12
>
what's happening to me?
Ive been feeling unwell for the longest time. The migraine's attacking me for so long, i bleed profusely whenever i brush my teeth and i choose to ignore everyone and close my doors at them.
I dont know what's happening anymore. I am not myself anymore. I am allowing my other self to ruin my sanity and make everyone around me hurt and depressed.
why is it so hard to even breathe?
what's happening to me?
Ive been feeling unwell for the longest time. The migraine's attacking me for so long, i bleed profusely whenever i brush my teeth and i choose to ignore everyone and close my doors at them.
I dont know what's happening anymore. I am not myself anymore. I am allowing my other self to ruin my sanity and make everyone around me hurt and depressed.
why is it so hard to even breathe?
sealed-with-a-kiss < 1:46:00 pm
___________________________________________
Wednesday, January 26
>
Like most girls my age, or older, who have been jaded before or stucked in a long term relationship that have obviously stale would say "it's just so tiring to start a relationship all over again, finding a man and have to know him from scratch, go back to square one to know someone new and spend time to strengthen the relationship between the two all over again. It's tiring, and tedious. So most of us, or maybe just me and a couple of girls I know, don't even bother trying and continue to be with the same guy she spent years with without love but only because we're too tired to try. Maybe a girl's age curve plays a part, we don't really have much time after turning 25.
I felt exactly the same way, maybe I'm lazy or plain jaded to try again. I can't remember how many times it had happen that after giving myself another chance to try, it still turns out wrong. I lost count of the number of times I've used the word 'tired', but I really am. Too tired to try again, too tired to put in effort to make something work but it doesn't, too tired to go through another heart break, too tired to fix it and pick myself up again.
Until someone taught or reminded me that being in a new relationship, there shouldn't be any pressure, we don't have to worry about going through the trouble of dating, catching a movie, knowing each other indepth, putting in effort on purpose just to make it work. It should come naturally, effortless and easy. To the extent whereby it's here and you don't even know it. When that happens, you won't find it a chore, you won't feel tired at all.
It gives me hope, and strength. The barrier of defence which I've rebuilt the past year is up again, I don't know if I should let it down or take it away, but it all seems so easy out of a sudden, maybe I don't really need that wall anymore.
Like most girls my age, or older, who have been jaded before or stucked in a long term relationship that have obviously stale would say "it's just so tiring to start a relationship all over again, finding a man and have to know him from scratch, go back to square one to know someone new and spend time to strengthen the relationship between the two all over again. It's tiring, and tedious. So most of us, or maybe just me and a couple of girls I know, don't even bother trying and continue to be with the same guy she spent years with without love but only because we're too tired to try. Maybe a girl's age curve plays a part, we don't really have much time after turning 25.
I felt exactly the same way, maybe I'm lazy or plain jaded to try again. I can't remember how many times it had happen that after giving myself another chance to try, it still turns out wrong. I lost count of the number of times I've used the word 'tired', but I really am. Too tired to try again, too tired to put in effort to make something work but it doesn't, too tired to go through another heart break, too tired to fix it and pick myself up again.
Until someone taught or reminded me that being in a new relationship, there shouldn't be any pressure, we don't have to worry about going through the trouble of dating, catching a movie, knowing each other indepth, putting in effort on purpose just to make it work. It should come naturally, effortless and easy. To the extent whereby it's here and you don't even know it. When that happens, you won't find it a chore, you won't feel tired at all.
It gives me hope, and strength. The barrier of defence which I've rebuilt the past year is up again, I don't know if I should let it down or take it away, but it all seems so easy out of a sudden, maybe I don't really need that wall anymore.
sealed-with-a-kiss < 3:37:00 pm
___________________________________________
Sunday, November 14
>
I woke up feeling uneasy today. A little depressed, a little lost. Feeling a little blue, a little cold. A little dark, a little gloomy. Today's a little different, not any normal Sundays. Not because it's his wedding day, but because I miss you so terribly much and I don't know why.
I woke up feeling uneasy today. A little depressed, a little lost. Feeling a little blue, a little cold. A little dark, a little gloomy. Today's a little different, not any normal Sundays. Not because it's his wedding day, but because I miss you so terribly much and I don't know why.
sealed-with-a-kiss < 5:20:00 pm
___________________________________________
Saturday, November 13
> Baby i'm amazed by you
Its amazing how we used to have random text messages exchanged everyday or at least every other day when we just got to know each other. When we got closer, "Call D" became part of my daily agenda list. But one day, it all stopped, as though time has paused and brought me back to life before June where i never knew you existed.
Its amazing how things change so fast, how all the 'used to' becomes past tense so fast, how im trying to revert back to waking up or passing my day without your messages.
Everyday it feels so heavy, everyday i miss you this much and everyday i remind myself not to look silly and be silly.
But because i am Amber Lin, i know these moments will soon leave me. In no time, you wont mean a thing anymore.
Its amazing how we used to have random text messages exchanged everyday or at least every other day when we just got to know each other. When we got closer, "Call D" became part of my daily agenda list. But one day, it all stopped, as though time has paused and brought me back to life before June where i never knew you existed.
Its amazing how things change so fast, how all the 'used to' becomes past tense so fast, how im trying to revert back to waking up or passing my day without your messages.
Everyday it feels so heavy, everyday i miss you this much and everyday i remind myself not to look silly and be silly.
But because i am Amber Lin, i know these moments will soon leave me. In no time, you wont mean a thing anymore.
sealed-with-a-kiss < 1:47:00 pm
___________________________________________
Sunday, November 7
> Hey magician, done with your disappearing act yet?
You know how people always say "God has his plans for you", so does that mean i should be contented to whatever he had in mind for me?
If God had planned it the way he thought was best for me, why is my life in such a mess when it comes to relationship? All planned..? God's will..? Fuck off.
No offence to the other believers, but i used to believe, i used to trust, i used to worship and sing his praises since the day i knew how to walk but not for almost a decade now because since a decade ago my life was in a turmoil and i really dont think God was there to get me by.
Im beginning to doubt, beginning to lose even more faith because im so jaded of it all. so very tired of it all ...
Im not upset about D's leaving, okay, maybe i am, judging by the fact that i cried to sleep the other night, i think i am upset. But in overall, im just upset why it always happen to me in general.
Ive met and dated enough men this lifetime but again and again i get the same treatment and nothing good ever comes out from it.
Karma you think? Yea- i probably did hurt a couple of guys when i was much younger but i think the past few years of such treatment should have been enough to get me out of guilt, and build my confidence back.
But honestly, its not working.
So this is what God had planned for me...? That i meet guys and then they leave me? That i will always get my heart brokened? That i can never feel the kind of love and happiness all my other girlfriends get to feel?
So this is my life?
No, i dont want my life to always be in miseries, i dont want to be hurt once more, not a time more.
Its been so tiring to look ok day in day out when i meet people, when i go to work, when i have meals with friends or family. Personified as a barbecued marshmellow, i tried to be strong on the outside but im so miserable inside. This facade im showing, its killing me, its draining all my energy.
I feel so exhausted when the night comes, because only when im all alone in my little room could i be myself. Let out all my weaknesses and pains, chanelling it through my tears, be myself again.
Its ok if you think we're not compatiable, its ok if you think we should just remain as friends but its not ok that you just walk away and leave without a word. I hate it when people just leave and disappear without saying anything, leaving me to wake up one morning to realise everything had changed overnight. To keep guessing, keep wondering, keep questioning myself. "what went wrong?", "Did i do something wrong?", "Did something happened to you?", "Why me, again?"
It's fine to say goodbye, its fine to stop telling me you miss me and you wish i was there, its fine it all ended, but it hurts pretty much, it hurts so much, it hurts too much.
And you'll never know, you will never know.
You know how people always say "God has his plans for you", so does that mean i should be contented to whatever he had in mind for me?
If God had planned it the way he thought was best for me, why is my life in such a mess when it comes to relationship? All planned..? God's will..? Fuck off.
No offence to the other believers, but i used to believe, i used to trust, i used to worship and sing his praises since the day i knew how to walk but not for almost a decade now because since a decade ago my life was in a turmoil and i really dont think God was there to get me by.
Im beginning to doubt, beginning to lose even more faith because im so jaded of it all. so very tired of it all ...
Im not upset about D's leaving, okay, maybe i am, judging by the fact that i cried to sleep the other night, i think i am upset. But in overall, im just upset why it always happen to me in general.
Ive met and dated enough men this lifetime but again and again i get the same treatment and nothing good ever comes out from it.
Karma you think? Yea- i probably did hurt a couple of guys when i was much younger but i think the past few years of such treatment should have been enough to get me out of guilt, and build my confidence back.
But honestly, its not working.
So this is what God had planned for me...? That i meet guys and then they leave me? That i will always get my heart brokened? That i can never feel the kind of love and happiness all my other girlfriends get to feel?
So this is my life?
No, i dont want my life to always be in miseries, i dont want to be hurt once more, not a time more.
Its been so tiring to look ok day in day out when i meet people, when i go to work, when i have meals with friends or family. Personified as a barbecued marshmellow, i tried to be strong on the outside but im so miserable inside. This facade im showing, its killing me, its draining all my energy.
I feel so exhausted when the night comes, because only when im all alone in my little room could i be myself. Let out all my weaknesses and pains, chanelling it through my tears, be myself again.
Its ok if you think we're not compatiable, its ok if you think we should just remain as friends but its not ok that you just walk away and leave without a word. I hate it when people just leave and disappear without saying anything, leaving me to wake up one morning to realise everything had changed overnight. To keep guessing, keep wondering, keep questioning myself. "what went wrong?", "Did i do something wrong?", "Did something happened to you?", "Why me, again?"
It's fine to say goodbye, its fine to stop telling me you miss me and you wish i was there, its fine it all ended, but it hurts pretty much, it hurts so much, it hurts too much.
And you'll never know, you will never know.
sealed-with-a-kiss < 10:35:00 pm
___________________________________________
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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